We are 1 minute away from the premiere of the last season of Lost. And not having ever seen an episode, or the 1 hour recap that is just ending, I feel I am the perfect candidate to review that episode. And by review, I mean give a scene by scene recap of everything that happens from the outsiders perspective.

Previously on lost: I'm ignoring this part because it will ruin my objectivity.....except the part where the well lady blows up the time bomb. Thats where I start.....

It all starts on a plane. An ordinary plane, that probably won't crash into the middle of some island. Oh wait, the plane is getting shaky. REAL shaky. I think the pilot is LOST! Is that how the show got its name? Now the main guy is going to the bathroom. His neck is bleeding. Is this season about vampires? No, false alarm.

Meanwhile, beneath the plane, under the ocean, there are a bunch of houses? And a shark. And a giant statue of a foot.

LOST: the titles come up. Yes, I am.

Now we're dropping the time bomb into the well. I know whats going to happen here so I don't need to watch it again. The lady falls in and hits the bomb and everything goes white. This is the third time I've seen this scene in 13 minutes. Its going to be a long two hours.....(note: don't expect me to review both hours).

Now a lady is in a tree. Hugging it, HARD. But how did she get up there? She doesn't know.I bet she was chased up by polar bears? Aren't there polar bears on this show?

She meets another guy who knows her and they realize something that I don't understand. People are sleeping on the ground all bloody. Nobody knows anything. Plane guy gets kicked in the face by angry guy. Apparently they were wrong about the time bomb and the well and what it would do.

Now we're back on the plane. More characters from that last scene are on it. I don't think it bodes well for this plane. I've seen some of these guys in commercials for Lost. Fat guy says he's the luckiest guy alive. How does he stay so fat? Haven't they been on the island for like 6 years?

Now fat guy is lying on the ground all bloody like everyone else. Wait, now the well lady might be alive beneath some metal stuff. But another guy is dying. God takes one life and brings another lady back. Or maybe they'll both live. God is funny like that.

Some evil-looking guy who isn't all bloody just surprised the fat guy!

And we're on the plane again. Everyone is talking about the plane crashing. Foreshadowing? Now, back in the past/future/island. A guy with a bloody knife cuts a red piece of cloth. An asian guy stares at a fire. Wait, on closer look, that guy is not asian at all. I think these guys just fought to the death.

Is that the mayor from the Dark Knight? I think he's about to get stabbed by the guy who looks like Creed from the office. Wait, that guy is dead.What?

Time to dig the well lady out of the metal. Fat guy is talking to the invisible guy by the van. Invisible guy is spilling the beans about some place where they can save some guy. The invisible guy is Jacob. Is that a surprise? I don't know which parts of this to be shocked at.

Ok we're on the plane again. Main guy is a doctor, and found one of the guys from Lord of the Rings passed out in the bathroom. Better stick your hand down his throat and pull out....a used condom?

They're going to pull the well lady out with the old van. How did a van get on the island? And a bicycle? Well good news, the well lady is alive. Also, this guy got shot and is bleeding to death. Better go to the temple.

Creed is still dead. Batman mayor is confused. Creed is also alive, inside the temple. What? Machine gun guy kills him anyway, with a machine gun. Well, he disappears anyway. Close enough to death for me.

SMOKE MONSTER?!?!?! HOLY SHIT. Grabs a guy, pulls him through a skylight! Grabs another guy and dumps him in the fire? Machine gun guy scares away the smoke monster. What in the fuck just happened? And now, Creed is back. CREED IS THE SMOKE MONSTER!

Well lady is still crushed by metal. But rescued by the beefy guy. She has a surprising secret, but instead she dies. Typical. The onlookers are sad. Beefy guy gives plane guy a death stare. Plane guy is on the plane again, and Pippin is getting taken away in handcuffs. The plane is starting to land, I guess I was wrong about this being a plane crash. Everyone is packing up their shit. The plane is landing. The plane is landed. Police come to arrest Pippin. Everyone gets off the plane in slow motion.